The Awkward Art of Making Friends as an Adult
When you’re a kid, making friends is as simple as sharing your lunchables or being assigned the same class project. Fast forward to adulthood, and suddenly asking someone to hang out feels like proposing marriage.
Why must it be so hard?
Let’s start with the obvious: you’re not weird or broken for struggling to make new friends. Life after school or migration uproots a lot of built-in social structures like classrooms and extracurriculars like clubs and sports teams that make creating friendships feel easy.
According to Taylor’s Psych SocietyTaylor’s Psych Society,, our tendency to become friends with people we see regularly is called the “proximity principle.” As adults, we often lose that causal proximity. Instead, we get coworkers, packed calendars, and a potential burnout from juggling our professional and personal commitments.
The Scheduling Olympics
Adult friendships require scheduling, rescheduling and forgiving someone (or yourself) for cancelling again because “work exploded.” The logistics alone can be enough to kill the vibe.
Add in the pressure of making a good impression, and suddenly, sending a “Wanna grab coffee sometime?” text feels like so much work.
You’re not being dramatic. Friendships really do mimic romantic relationships in terms of vulnerability, rejection sensitivity, and even heartbreak. There’s even a term for it: “friendship dating.” You meet someone cool. You vibe. Then comes the anxious wait. Will they text back? Will they flake? Do they actually want to hang out or are they just being polite?
The fear of being too much or too eager makes a lot of adults hold back, especially if they’re new to a city, country, or social circle.
So, How Do You Make Friends Now?
Here’s your cheat sheet:
1. Start with shared context
Join something. Anything. A workout class, a book club or a language exchange group. Apps like Meetup and Bumble BFF help you find people with shared interests. Think of it as proximity with purpose.
2. Be awkward and own it
Say it out loud: “I’ve been trying to make more friends lately.” It might feel cringey, but most people understand. Vulnerability is more magnetic than perfection. You might just get an “omg me too” back.
3. Pursue “situationship” friendships
Some people are brunch friends while others are gym friends. Not everyone needs to be your lifelong soulmate. Let things unfold naturally.
4. Follow up, even if you’re nervous
Send that message. Re-initiate that convo. If someone seems warm and you want to connect again, don’t wait for the perfect time. It’s not desperate.
Green Flags
As you meet people, look for signs like:
- They make plans and follow through.
- They ask how you are and actually listen.
- They give you energy, not exhaustion.
- You feel safe being yourself, even on an off day.
And of course… the Red Flags:
• They constantly cancel or reschedule.
• They only talk about themselves or only reach out when they need something.
• You feel drained or anxious after hanging out.
• You’re second guessing your worth.
• You can’t be your full self without feeling judged, dismissed, or small.`
Need Extra Help?
If you’re feeling isolated, here are some places to turn to:
- Jack.org — Youth mental health community and peer-led support
- The Friendship Bench — Mental wellness initiative fighting loneliness
- Toronto Newcomer Support Services — Programs and resources for adjusting to life in Canada
- Reddit’s r/Friendship — A surprisingly wholesome online space for making connections
Be Brave Enough to Try
Friendship in adulthood isn’t about luck. It’s about effort. People who become close often start with an awkward message, a “wanna grab coffee?” moment, or a casual laugh in the right place at the right time.
Be the person who tries. It might feel scary, but you could be one small risk away from being a blessing in disguise.